Honestly

There are a lot of things people do every now and then, like going out, working out, and eating junk food. Lately it seems like a lot of people are doing relationships too. The on again off again relationship, a lot of people have them, I do, and they last forever. & When you are together people ask the question how long have you guys been dating? How do you answer that! But here's a better question, what makes you come back to that person. Searching for comfort, boredom or the actual feeling that you are suppose to be with this person. You go out and date other people and when those relationships fall through you are back to the old person. Is it a safety net, are we that afraid of being alone. I'd like to think no. I'd like to think that we go back to these people because we really do love them, that we risk being hurt again because we think that it is going to be worth, we date these people because we make ourselves believe that there is a reason we can't stop thinking about them. I'd like to think that. Burst my bubble if you will, but let me just look at the positive side for once. It is relays week, I've been literally raising hell, crying, and all sorts of things this week and me writing a blog now doesn't fully make sense, but with all the problems I've caused this week (and there are a lot) somethings just seem a bit more clear. On again off again relationship are the ones that last, the ones that realize people need time of their own to grow up, they are mature enough to handle that the other person isn't perfect and accept it. On again off again relationship aren't the most stable, but they sure as hell are the most honest.

Basically I just love both of these songs :) 

Carpe Diem Baby

I find that when I'm happy I have a rough time blogging. If I can't complain about my fights, my friends, my classes, or society as a whole then I apparently have very little to say... healthy. I have good grades, my biggest problem with my friends is when my roommate sleeps too far away from me at night, and its Relays week so I don't have class Thursday and its a week long party. It is safe to say life is good. But with all this rain I have spent alot of time thinking about what I really want to be doing with my life, we all have these moments. Do I really want to be a teacher? I can't say yes, I'm still not 100 percent sure (its a good thing I'm spending 36 thousand a year on an education right?), do I want to get married, travel, have kids, join the peace corp? Maybe. So I made a list of things I want to do before I die. 

1. I want to parasail in Mexico. 
2. Adopt a kid from a different country
3. Build a house
4. Visit Africa, China, Spain, Barcelona, Netherlands, Greece, South America, Australia, Italy, Guatemala, Costa Rica, France, Ireland, Switzerland, Canada, Amsterdam and many more. 
5. See the Northern Lights
6. I want to go to every state in America, including Hawaii & Alaska.
7. Teach in an inner city school.
8. Have kids
9. Be a foster parent
10. Go skydiving 
11. Go bungee jumping
12. Go skiing
13. Get married- love someone more than anything
14. Climb a mountain  
15. Surf
16. Stomp grapes to make wine
17. Go to a gay pride parade
18. Join the peace corp
19. Go sailing
20. Hot air balloon ride
21. Ride an elephant in the Savanna
22. Go to the circus
23. Gamble in Las Vegas
24. Go scuba diving
25. Spend New Year's Eve in Time Square

It is harder than it seems, to think about dying and what to do before. Sometimes it's harder to believe that everything I just listed I won't ever accomplish if my life doesn't turn out the way I want. Peoples life change dramatically every day, people die, become paralyzed, or are diagnosed with a life changing disease or disorder. These things take money, something I wont have, chances of me finishing this list are slim, but a girl can dream can't she. My point: don't take anything for granted. My last few blogs have been about running out of time. You may think you have all the time in the world but one day that will change. Seize opportunities. Live, laugh, & love like you were dying tomorrow. 

In honor of relays week ladies and gentleman: BILLY!

Stop, Collaborate & Listen

People always say, think before you speak. But maybe that's our problem, we think and forget to speak. But I use to preach this, you can always say something later but you can't take it back once it's out there. After a few adventures I have come to think quite the opposite (yes, I am admitting that some of my cold hearted ways are wrong). When it comes to saying something positive it is easier to say. In my sorority house we talked about saying when you liked something someone was wearing or how they looked today or maybe something good they did, verbally paying forward. & I do this. When I miss someone, or randomly think about how much someone means to me I text them or call or send them message telling them so, I don't know about other people but comments like these always make my day. But negative things, or problems perhaps between friends are something totally different. I will talk to anyone but the person about the problem, and its amazing nineteen years later I'm learning that that doesn't really fix anything. It isn't always easy, there isn't always change or even a common ground you can meet on, but at least you said it, and rather it was positive or negative the person knows what you are thinking. It's not a guessing game, life shouldn't be. Telling someone whats on your mind with out them having to ask makes them more perceptible to doing that with you (& being respectful!). If you say something and someone doesn't like it, they don't need to listen, and if you say something and someone is rude in return, then they weren't worth the breath you wasted on them to say it. It simply improves communication. And saying what you are thinking, positive or negative, improves TRUST.
So maybe thinking before you speak isn't always best, in fact I would probably go with the other cliche saying "honesty is the best policy". Who cares if what you had to say is cheesy or hard to talk about, it is important that you say it because sometimes it really is too late after you get done with all that thinking.

Unconditional Sisterhood

I would've never gone to a school without Greek Life. Rather I had planned to be involved in it or not. But I always knew I'd join a sorority. My mom was in one, my friends that were older all joined one and I spent 90 percent of my time in high school surround by girls. Joining a sorority just made sense. So I rushed, and believe me being judge and having people fake smile and sing to me and tell me what I needed to wear every night was not something I was a huge fan of. I didn't understand how you can get to know a person and decide if they were like you and if you wanted to be "sisters" in 45 minute parties. But I got a bid, to a house that I love, but then I wasn't so sure. And I'm sure if I rushed sophomore year instead I could've probably ended up in a different house, but I wouldn't want that. Due to recent Greek events i've become thankful for my sisters. We fight about stupid stuff, theres back stabbing, clothes stealing and god knows we don't have the same views. I have even been in for a year and my comfort level is still a bit shakey but it is knowing that walking across campus I will see girls in the same letters I proudly wear and they will smile and wave, or help me decide what classes to take, or even just enrequire about a boyfriend or other problems in your life. Sisters build connections. And we aren't all alike. In fact very few girls in my house are, and thats the best part, stereotype us all you want but we are all individuals. What makes us so close is our ability to accept one another for who we are and to exsist peacefully together. And you can say we buy our friends, but I'm not paying my way into a sorority, I'm paying to have a house, to do fun things with my sisters and to help keep everything running so the my sisterhood can exist. And no my parents don't pay my fees.

So I guess I started off this year wanting to join a sorority for all the wrong reasons. Which is part of the reason I love the above video so much. I wanted to go to the parties, meet the frat boys and do all the stereotypical stuff, but I'm staying in it for all the right reasons. Because no matter how cheesy it sounds I love my sisters. Unconditionally.

Looking at me, and even reading my blog I probably seem like one of the biggest bitches in the world, and I probably am, but at least I'm honest. But if I truly care about you, my biggest downfall isn't my bitchiness but the fact that I care too much. If you let me I could probably suffocate you with love, like I like to do with my roommate. So that brings me to my rambling thoughts, I think I care too much. I get jealous easily, but not over things that are ridiculous, at least I don't think so. & I don't think jealousy is a bad thing and I think if you actually care about someone you would have some sort of jealous tendency. No exceptions. Maybe I care too much, maybe I analyze things more than I should, try to complicate them, and maybe I always expect the worst. I build impossible expectations apparently, but at least I care. If I care about you, you know it and there isn't a question in your mind. If I care about you, you don't have to wonder if I love you because I'll tell you every day, not just if you are upset. When it comes to me you don't have to wake up every morning and wonder if I care, because the moment you text me, or I see your face I'm smiling no matter what is going on. If I care about you I will fight with you, but if I care about you I won't try to be right, I'll just try to move on. If I care about you I'll try, plain and simple. & If I care about you I'll be here until you aren't, and probably even after. Because I can't just move on from people I care about. I can't pretend to care any less than I do, and if that means I get jealous then I'm sorry, but at least it's obvious I care. 

Sorry for my rant, but I have an 8 page paper to write and had to get this off my chest.

Generational Influence

There are few things in life that I hate more than fighting. But for someone who hates fighting I sure do it a lot. But thats my other down fall, I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I'm mad, disagree, or feel attacked I respond usually with out thinking. And a fight is formed. But I hate staying mad, so literally seconds later I will be ready to move on because I don't want to waste my time fighting, but I need to realize that not everyone can do this.
I hate fighting because of what it has usually done to me in the past.
I grew up around a lot of fighting, more than the average person, and to me fighting tears people apart. I use to sit in the garage and cry while listening to screaming, or hide in my closet or when I got old enough to drive the moment there was screaming no matter the time I was out of there in a second. Fighting has ruined a lot of my relationships, and it has made people change their minds and  thats why I hate it. I'm always afraid of losing someone. People say that you only fight with the people you love because you know they wont ever leave and will love you no matter what, but I think this is the biggest lie. Maybe you think fighting with someone you love won't make them leave, but I KNOW it does.
I hate fighting. Because of how I grew up. The relationship that I have had to model my relationships after makes it hard for me to not fight with someone I love. But seeing how it tore them apart makes me want to avoid fighting, hence the getting over it quickly.

Today was just a day where I realized that how, where and with who you grew up with can really change how your view things and how you mesh with other people through out life.

I Should've Stayed

If you ask me everything is subjective. Unless there are legal documents, and sometimes even then, it is all a grey area. The biggest grey area of all though is cheating. What one person considers cheating others don't, from flirting to kissing to even sex, the line is very much blurred. But what blurs it even more is your stance in the love triangle.
I always tell my sister & her friends that if there isn't a ring there isn't a commitment, or one of my floor mates said that she draws the line at kids. There are three perspectives in this love triangle called cheating, all of which I have been at one point in time so in my expert opinion (and I do mean EXPERT) I've come to my separate view points from each angle and my over all view point on cheating so...

The Victim- Being cheated on is never fun. And there are stages for sure. Anger for one- I once ran over someones clothes with my car in the mud just because they cheated. Then the stage where you think it is your fault (and very little of the time it is) and lastly when you decide rather staying with this person is a good idea (let me help you out there: don't). Staying with someone who has cheated on you almost makes it seem like it is okay. It's basic  psychology, if theres no consequences there is no learning, come on even rats can do this. At some point you have to stop playing the victim, you become to strong person and you move on. My thoughts: you are only the victim for as long as you make it that way.

The Cheater: Cheating is subjective, like I said earlier, I classify cheating as anything that is emotional (flirty texting counts) or physically straying away from a committed relationship. I won't lie I have for sure fit in to this category a few times and this is what needs to happen when you do. Never try to hide it, if you do then comes the questions "how long" "with who' and of course "why". Everything you say needs to be honest, but don't give details unless you are asked. & of course never repeating this action again. Once you have cheated, even/especially if you get away with it you are more likely to cheat again. Don't put yourself in a situation where this becomes a possibility.

The "Home wrecker": Out of all these categories I have been the "other women" more times than I can count. Rather its something the actually girlfriend just made up in their head, or if it really happened I still believe that as the "other women" you should never be held responsible and you should not feel bad. If the person was going to cheat he was going to do it with you or with out you. And the victim needs to learn to blame the cheater not the "home wrecker" because most of the time the "home wrecker" doesn't even know you existed. Home wrecker, as long as you understand he probably doesn't care about you, then girl, you are golden.

I've already said it, cheating is subjective, but to much anything that is emotionally or physically straying is cheating. Everyone has different relationships, and in those relationships the two people might care more about different things, but in any situation if you are doing something that feels wrong, or doing something that you couldn't tell your significant other its not being faithful. & When you start to feel yourself straying maybe you should re evaluate your relationship.

Hot Like Summer

Lately with weather like this I can't help but be a tad bit excited for the summer. Usually summer gets to that point where it feels like its just dragging on, or last summer, the summer before college, was just heart breaking, but for some reason I am way too excited for. I have an amazing job watching these amazing little boys, some pretty amazing people to come back to and hang out with, some much needed time with my family, the sun, the pool, and of course my bike rides I love so much. Yes, bike rides, they were my "blog" before I started blogging. My last summer didn't go quite as planned, which ended up being the best thing for me. Matt at the beginning of the summer had started this biking thing, and I made fun of him... a lot. But after some turn of events working out became the only thing I really had to channel my emotions besides laying in my bed. So I started biking, first just a mile or two a day, by the end of the summer about 30, sometimes once, sometimes twice a day. And it was scary for awhile, mostly because I think being alone with your own thoughts can always be that way. You have no one to talk you out of that corner, you know that corner, when you get to the point you can only continue to put yourself down. And this is part of the reason I can't wait for the summer, to start biking. I learned a lot from those bike rides, but mostly how to be responsible for my own happiness. My miles didn't only increase every time but my mood after did as well. The first time I went out I came back crying, realizing how much I was losing that was out of my control, the last time I went out, two days before I left for school, I can back smiling, sweating to death, but smiling, because I wasn't losing what I thought, I was losing what wasn't important anymore and gaining what was. In a year so much has changed, so much has come full circle, but I can't wait for this summer to start realizing how everything has changed for others and to be around the people I was so afraid of losing just a year ago.

Don't Be Mad Once You See That He Want It

Because of recent conversations I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand why people hate being single so much, especially in college. I understand the preference of being in a relationship, it is nice, but relationships can be stressful. So...

My Top 10 Reasons Being Single Isn't That Bad

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night. 
2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself.
3. You can flirt with the opposite sex. (or make out with the same sex in some cases)
4. You can make your own decisions.
5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary.
6. You don't have to feel bad about making your own plans. 
7. You only have to worry about how your actions are going to effect yourself. 
8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do...and actually do them.
9. You spend less money. 
10. You don't have to worry about if the other person is cheating, doing something stupid (like failing out of school or drinking too much) or just plain losing interest. 
I'm all about relationships and if you like someone and they like you I think you should be together! But until you find that person stop whining. You know what they say, when you stop looking it always shows up. 

My Hope For Love

There are websites that have quotes that are meant to inspire you or to let you see a deeper meaning of something, or to just make a good Facebook status. Trust me I'd know, my roommate and I spend a lot of time reading xanga quotes sites and of course, Gives Me Hope. To say that this website literally warms my heart is not only nauseating but true. I've earlier made it known that I love old people love, and after years of my cynical viewpoint that love wasn't really meant to last saying that I love love is a pretty big step. But I do. So I read this website, and do I have stories that compare to this? Do I have stories that if I posted on this website someone would say "aw" and maybe show or read to someone else? Probably not. But I have stories, stories that I hope one day will give my kids hope for love, or at least become a mere step to where I am suppose to end up but in the meantime, while these story tellers make most people believe in love in the world, what gives someone hope for love for oneself?

For me I think change gives me hope for love.

The Chaser

Jersey chasers and letter chasers. People (typically known as girls) who like a particular area of men. For example Football players+basketball+baseball+any sport with a ball=jersey chaser. This has been around for a while, the girls are usually seen as liking the status of dating someone who is campus or nation wide known, and lets just be honest most athletes tend to be ripped, what girl doesn't love that. But letter chaser is something that has been new to me since being at school. Girls (and boys) who like people (or hook up with people) in a particular fraternity or sorority. I wont lie, my lovely friends like to call me a letter chaser (although I beg to differ, I just like to hang out with people in a particular house), but my sisters have been warning me lately about some letter chasers that seem to really like my house. For boys, a girl who is willing to sleep with your entire frat (you included) isn't always a bad thing, for girls, a boy who is willing to sleep with your entire sorority is only a bad thing. But is being a letter chaser really an appropriate word for your attraction to the particular organization? Despite the fact they freak me out, I'm going to have to argue no. A "letter chaser" just seems to me like more of a type. During recruitment girls and boys are put into their respected houses based off of the guys or girls they get along with and have things in common with. Similar characteristics and attitudes if you will. So I feel like its safe to say if you like one person in the house, you could probably like a few more of them, aka you have a type. Everyone has a type, its why a lot of people end up dating their ex's friends. I'm not saying there isn't a difference between liking certain types of people and trying to hook up with everyone in a house as a goal, but having a type really isn't much of a chaser if you ask me.

So if a letter chaser (or jersey chaser) means that I like that particular group of people then I think its safe to say we are all a chaser of something and mine just happens to be letters. (although disclaimer for my benefit, the person I like is not involved in Greek life at all!)

Old People Love

I love old people love. & now you probably think I'm weird just like 90 percent of my friends do, but I don't care. Yesterday I was at Target with my roomie and there was an elderly couple in the baby section. You would imagine they were shopping for a grandchild but no, the old man was trying on baby hats and throwing baby blankets at his lovely wife simply just to make her laugh, and they laughed and held hands and then he kissed her and it was the purest and sweetest display of love I have seen in quite sometime. For me yesterday was a good day for love.

I love old people love because it proves almost any cynic (and I use to be one) wrong. No, not all older married people have been married for decades but the fact that love is still so possible later on in life literally makes my heart smile (I'm sorry for how mushy this post is). Most forms of affection gross me out, especially teenagers, there is no need to mac in the hallways, but old couples will literally kill me. My favorite part is when I look at old people, like my grandparents who have been married for fifty some odd years who hold hands in the car and kiss good night and still can make fun of each other and laugh, and I can almost see me and who ever I marry doing the same. The moments when you are doing something with someone you love and realize you could very well be doing it for the rest of your life.

I love old people love because it proves that love is always worth it, I mean who else is going to throw baby blankets at you.

How Do You Know?

How do you know the difference between whats suppose to be a life long relationship or the relationship that should've lasted but just couldn't? When do you know to get out of it? People say that if love was easy it wouldn't be special, and I agree but at some point it becomes like homework, something that takes too much work and stresses you out and instead of just enjoying each other you are constantly wondering what the hell you are doing. Everyone has that break up, that one relationship that was nearly impossible to get over, and even years later in a happy marriage or relationship seeing that person can still stir your heart, so why did it end? Distance, fighting, communication problems. How do you make it work? There's the quote that the world can give us a million reasons why it isn't going to work but we are armed with the one reason it will. But how do you know if this love, is the one thats suppose to work. Have you ever said it out loud, said to someone "I don't think I can do this" and felt how empty you were. How do you get past it all? I keep thinking its all about adjusting, learning that every relationship is different and adjusting to the new one, but if adjusting is so hard then what? Again, you are sitting there thinking what the hell am I doing? Sometimes its easier to say I'm done, it's over, but if after you can't eat and everything makes you cry, is it really worth it, did you just throw away something you weren't suppose to?

How do you know?