Relays Realization

So it was relays week, aka the longest "weekend" ever. There were cat fights, dancing on bars, bruised knees and a lot more. For me it's probably good relays only comes once year however because of relays I have never been closer to my friends here at school and to say I love them and will miss them this summer is such an understatement. This is my last week of classes and then finals and especially after last night I don't think I'm ready to go home. It is amazing how well you know some people after a year as oppose to people you have known since middle school. But since so much happened last night I ask, how do people just forgive and forget, move past the things that at one point were so important. This is were relays got deadly, anybody doing anything involving that much alcohol is bound to do something stupid. Like get in a girl fight over someone trying to give you 5 dollars instead of just one. Maybe getting over something isn't always possible. Somethings don't work because they aren't suppose to, love doesn't conqure everything and missing out on so much of someones life makes understanding harder. I know this is becoming ramblings but my mind has alot on it. I guess all and all if relays taught me anything that I can remember its that not everything works out just because you want it to. Especially when you ignore the problem.

No picture, no video. I'm too tired.

Honestly

There are a lot of things people do every now and then, like going out, working out, and eating junk food. Lately it seems like a lot of people are doing relationships too. The on again off again relationship, a lot of people have them, I do, and they last forever. & When you are together people ask the question how long have you guys been dating? How do you answer that! But here's a better question, what makes you come back to that person. Searching for comfort, boredom or the actual feeling that you are suppose to be with this person. You go out and date other people and when those relationships fall through you are back to the old person. Is it a safety net, are we that afraid of being alone. I'd like to think no. I'd like to think that we go back to these people because we really do love them, that we risk being hurt again because we think that it is going to be worth, we date these people because we make ourselves believe that there is a reason we can't stop thinking about them. I'd like to think that. Burst my bubble if you will, but let me just look at the positive side for once. It is relays week, I've been literally raising hell, crying, and all sorts of things this week and me writing a blog now doesn't fully make sense, but with all the problems I've caused this week (and there are a lot) somethings just seem a bit more clear. On again off again relationship are the ones that last, the ones that realize people need time of their own to grow up, they are mature enough to handle that the other person isn't perfect and accept it. On again off again relationship aren't the most stable, but they sure as hell are the most honest.

Basically I just love both of these songs :) 

Carpe Diem Baby

I find that when I'm happy I have a rough time blogging. If I can't complain about my fights, my friends, my classes, or society as a whole then I apparently have very little to say... healthy. I have good grades, my biggest problem with my friends is when my roommate sleeps too far away from me at night, and its Relays week so I don't have class Thursday and its a week long party. It is safe to say life is good. But with all this rain I have spent alot of time thinking about what I really want to be doing with my life, we all have these moments. Do I really want to be a teacher? I can't say yes, I'm still not 100 percent sure (its a good thing I'm spending 36 thousand a year on an education right?), do I want to get married, travel, have kids, join the peace corp? Maybe. So I made a list of things I want to do before I die. 

1. I want to parasail in Mexico. 
2. Adopt a kid from a different country
3. Build a house
4. Visit Africa, China, Spain, Barcelona, Netherlands, Greece, South America, Australia, Italy, Guatemala, Costa Rica, France, Ireland, Switzerland, Canada, Amsterdam and many more. 
5. See the Northern Lights
6. I want to go to every state in America, including Hawaii & Alaska.
7. Teach in an inner city school.
8. Have kids
9. Be a foster parent
10. Go skydiving 
11. Go bungee jumping
12. Go skiing
13. Get married- love someone more than anything
14. Climb a mountain  
15. Surf
16. Stomp grapes to make wine
17. Go to a gay pride parade
18. Join the peace corp
19. Go sailing
20. Hot air balloon ride
21. Ride an elephant in the Savanna
22. Go to the circus
23. Gamble in Las Vegas
24. Go scuba diving
25. Spend New Year's Eve in Time Square

It is harder than it seems, to think about dying and what to do before. Sometimes it's harder to believe that everything I just listed I won't ever accomplish if my life doesn't turn out the way I want. Peoples life change dramatically every day, people die, become paralyzed, or are diagnosed with a life changing disease or disorder. These things take money, something I wont have, chances of me finishing this list are slim, but a girl can dream can't she. My point: don't take anything for granted. My last few blogs have been about running out of time. You may think you have all the time in the world but one day that will change. Seize opportunities. Live, laugh, & love like you were dying tomorrow. 

In honor of relays week ladies and gentleman: BILLY!

Stop, Collaborate & Listen

People always say, think before you speak. But maybe that's our problem, we think and forget to speak. But I use to preach this, you can always say something later but you can't take it back once it's out there. After a few adventures I have come to think quite the opposite (yes, I am admitting that some of my cold hearted ways are wrong). When it comes to saying something positive it is easier to say. In my sorority house we talked about saying when you liked something someone was wearing or how they looked today or maybe something good they did, verbally paying forward. & I do this. When I miss someone, or randomly think about how much someone means to me I text them or call or send them message telling them so, I don't know about other people but comments like these always make my day. But negative things, or problems perhaps between friends are something totally different. I will talk to anyone but the person about the problem, and its amazing nineteen years later I'm learning that that doesn't really fix anything. It isn't always easy, there isn't always change or even a common ground you can meet on, but at least you said it, and rather it was positive or negative the person knows what you are thinking. It's not a guessing game, life shouldn't be. Telling someone whats on your mind with out them having to ask makes them more perceptible to doing that with you (& being respectful!). If you say something and someone doesn't like it, they don't need to listen, and if you say something and someone is rude in return, then they weren't worth the breath you wasted on them to say it. It simply improves communication. And saying what you are thinking, positive or negative, improves TRUST.
So maybe thinking before you speak isn't always best, in fact I would probably go with the other cliche saying "honesty is the best policy". Who cares if what you had to say is cheesy or hard to talk about, it is important that you say it because sometimes it really is too late after you get done with all that thinking.

Unconditional Sisterhood

I would've never gone to a school without Greek Life. Rather I had planned to be involved in it or not. But I always knew I'd join a sorority. My mom was in one, my friends that were older all joined one and I spent 90 percent of my time in high school surround by girls. Joining a sorority just made sense. So I rushed, and believe me being judge and having people fake smile and sing to me and tell me what I needed to wear every night was not something I was a huge fan of. I didn't understand how you can get to know a person and decide if they were like you and if you wanted to be "sisters" in 45 minute parties. But I got a bid, to a house that I love, but then I wasn't so sure. And I'm sure if I rushed sophomore year instead I could've probably ended up in a different house, but I wouldn't want that. Due to recent Greek events i've become thankful for my sisters. We fight about stupid stuff, theres back stabbing, clothes stealing and god knows we don't have the same views. I have even been in for a year and my comfort level is still a bit shakey but it is knowing that walking across campus I will see girls in the same letters I proudly wear and they will smile and wave, or help me decide what classes to take, or even just enrequire about a boyfriend or other problems in your life. Sisters build connections. And we aren't all alike. In fact very few girls in my house are, and thats the best part, stereotype us all you want but we are all individuals. What makes us so close is our ability to accept one another for who we are and to exsist peacefully together. And you can say we buy our friends, but I'm not paying my way into a sorority, I'm paying to have a house, to do fun things with my sisters and to help keep everything running so the my sisterhood can exist. And no my parents don't pay my fees.

So I guess I started off this year wanting to join a sorority for all the wrong reasons. Which is part of the reason I love the above video so much. I wanted to go to the parties, meet the frat boys and do all the stereotypical stuff, but I'm staying in it for all the right reasons. Because no matter how cheesy it sounds I love my sisters. Unconditionally.

Looking at me, and even reading my blog I probably seem like one of the biggest bitches in the world, and I probably am, but at least I'm honest. But if I truly care about you, my biggest downfall isn't my bitchiness but the fact that I care too much. If you let me I could probably suffocate you with love, like I like to do with my roommate. So that brings me to my rambling thoughts, I think I care too much. I get jealous easily, but not over things that are ridiculous, at least I don't think so. & I don't think jealousy is a bad thing and I think if you actually care about someone you would have some sort of jealous tendency. No exceptions. Maybe I care too much, maybe I analyze things more than I should, try to complicate them, and maybe I always expect the worst. I build impossible expectations apparently, but at least I care. If I care about you, you know it and there isn't a question in your mind. If I care about you, you don't have to wonder if I love you because I'll tell you every day, not just if you are upset. When it comes to me you don't have to wake up every morning and wonder if I care, because the moment you text me, or I see your face I'm smiling no matter what is going on. If I care about you I will fight with you, but if I care about you I won't try to be right, I'll just try to move on. If I care about you I'll try, plain and simple. & If I care about you I'll be here until you aren't, and probably even after. Because I can't just move on from people I care about. I can't pretend to care any less than I do, and if that means I get jealous then I'm sorry, but at least it's obvious I care. 

Sorry for my rant, but I have an 8 page paper to write and had to get this off my chest.

Generational Influence

There are few things in life that I hate more than fighting. But for someone who hates fighting I sure do it a lot. But thats my other down fall, I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I'm mad, disagree, or feel attacked I respond usually with out thinking. And a fight is formed. But I hate staying mad, so literally seconds later I will be ready to move on because I don't want to waste my time fighting, but I need to realize that not everyone can do this.
I hate fighting because of what it has usually done to me in the past.
I grew up around a lot of fighting, more than the average person, and to me fighting tears people apart. I use to sit in the garage and cry while listening to screaming, or hide in my closet or when I got old enough to drive the moment there was screaming no matter the time I was out of there in a second. Fighting has ruined a lot of my relationships, and it has made people change their minds and  thats why I hate it. I'm always afraid of losing someone. People say that you only fight with the people you love because you know they wont ever leave and will love you no matter what, but I think this is the biggest lie. Maybe you think fighting with someone you love won't make them leave, but I KNOW it does.
I hate fighting. Because of how I grew up. The relationship that I have had to model my relationships after makes it hard for me to not fight with someone I love. But seeing how it tore them apart makes me want to avoid fighting, hence the getting over it quickly.

Today was just a day where I realized that how, where and with who you grew up with can really change how your view things and how you mesh with other people through out life.