For Once

New blog donezo with this one. www.foroncecourtneypaige.blogspot.com

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

He who does not understand your silence probably wont understand your words.

There's a lot of different things going on in my life and right now I just need to write down some stuff I'm thinking. So here are ten things I'd like to say to ten people. If you know me it shouldn't be hard to tell who is who. 

1. Stop lying to yourself. Yea it's been a good summer but you know that you need some help. So stop lying and figure out what is going on and get some help. Don't lose yourself more than you already have and don't ever underestimate your worth, you are much more precious than what everyone thinks. 
2. You're attitude has got to go. & I wish you wanted to hang out with me more, i feel so pathetic having to almost beg you to, but i know one day one of ill regret not spending time together. You have 3 months with me, you have 9 months with everyone else. Btw I don't care that he is 6 years older than you, but I would really like to meet him, and I hope you don't make the same mistake I did. 
3. It literally astounds me everything we have endured and how strong our friendship is now, and while I hope you know I will always be here for you I still have moments where it hurts to think that everything till this May was a lie. I'm over you in that way and I'm, again, so glad we are best friends. But I wont lie when i say the relationship really messed with the way I look at love and its making the relationships I'm trying to have now harder. I just still can't believe all that love was only a one way street, but I know talking about this is just like beating a dead horse, it makes no sense.  
4. I love you so dearly but I wish you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time. Your mood effects everyone else. I wish the house wasn't always full of lies, I can't take much more of the pressure, I want home to be somewhere I want to go, not some kind of living hell.  
5. I'm glad you are having a good summer but sometimes it really hurts me knowing you don't want to come back. I also am glad you are so happy with your decisions lately but sometimes I wish my opinion meant more to you. I'm excited to get back together, I just wish you were too. 
6. If you would just back off a bit and figure out what you are doing or trying to do then this would be the perfect relationship. I really really like you and am starting to realize that maybe right now isn't the time for us if you can't change yet.
7. You weren't there when one of the most important events happened. You wont ever have that image in your face. All you do is yell at him, when he really does love you and if you ever truly understand what losing him would mean then maybe you would be nicer. It saddens to think that the only way you will realize this is when you do lose him. 
8. I sometimes can't believe we've been friends as long as we have since sometimes I'm sitting across from you with nothing to say. I always use to blame your relationships on the distance that was between us, but maybe it is just getting older, maybe its just us choosing different life styles, or maybe it is because we never truly had anything in common.
9. I had a lot of fun this weekend, you made me remember that life is suppose to be fun not always serious. The timing could've been better but at the same time if couldn't have been. For the few days I knew you, you gave me some of the best advice I've received all summer. While it may not have been the best idea, it will def make one of the best memories.  
10. I'm dumbfound by how what we had early this year has flourished into a friendship that at times makes me want to hit you. I adore you kid but please stop trying to bang all my sorority sister, it really kills me, it is breaking my heart. 

The Way She Feels

In the end we had pieces of the puzzle, but no matter how we put them together, gaps remained. Oddly shaped emptiness mapped by what surrounded them, like countries we couldn't name. What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts. A clock ticking on the wall, a room dim at noon, the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself

--The Virgin Suicides

I believe that things don't just happen. I'm not talking about the reason they occur, but when people say things "came out of the blue". The nation preaches gateways in every aspect of life. Unemployment is a gateway to the increase in poverty, marijuana is a gateway to other drugs. What many people don't understand is the correlation of self harm to suicide. Suicides receive a lot of recognition, national statistic, news stories, and schools hold days of awareness. Victims of self harm go unnoticed typically and once noticed it is usually too late. When I was in 7th grade a friend of mine told me she was going to commit suicide. That was the day I noticed the cuts on her wrist. After going home that night and telling my parents, who told her parents (and don't worry she is alive and happy today, she just doesn't talk to me) I laid in my bath tub with a safety pin and wondered what could make her want to do that. After that night I struggled with cutting, just like a shocking number of teenagers. The reason I write about this today is because it has been exactly 2 months since the last time. I, just like others, would go to practices and count how many times I messed up, or the number of questions I got wrong on a test, and that would be the number of times I would slide the object across my wrist, my ribs, my hip, or the bottom of my foot. Few friends knew and most just said to stop, like it was that easy. My parents, if they knew, never said anything. Just because someone isn't plotting suicide doesn't mean they aren't hurting and it doesn't mean it wont happen. For a lot of people suicide isn't the only escape from reality, rather it be self harm, abuse of alcohol or abuse of drugs. If you know of someone who does any of these things don't just tell them to stop, talk to a counselor, or their parent, I know now I wish my friends had because then maybe I wouldn't be struggle with it now in college. There are too many teenage statistic, don't let yourself or a friend be one of them.

Imagine a New Generation

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. 

There are not enough people in this world who would take in a person and feed them and treat them like they are their own child, pay for the college and make them dinner every night. Not enough people will take in just one person, let alone two. This summer I have spent nannying for a beautiful family consisting of two parents and six boys. While I spend the majority of my day with the youngest boys (Hayden 6, Brody & Adam 4) I have noticed just by watching them how wonderful their parents really are. Their oldest son is a Marine, his friends Raymond and Berry both live in the house as well. They do their laundry there and have dinner with the family every night. While Berry just moved in this summer Raymond has been there for a while. The parents got his senior pictures taken and they are framed on the wall, they threw him a graduation party, they went to his orientation for college with him, hell they have loans out to send him to college & most importantly every mothers day Raymond gives Beth a card, and Beth calls him her son. People say that blood is thicker than water but walking to the pool one day Hayden said to me that sometimes water makes blood feel better. The younger boys don't see that Raymond and Berry are a different skin color, in fact they talk about trying to be as tan as them. And rather this is just blissful ignorance of a child or the new generations retaliation against the hate that so many people have been raised in, I think it is wonderful. 

You learn a lot about the parents of the child you babysit for through the child's behavior and questions. To say I love these boys would be an understatement, they make me angry but quickly make me laugh, and having one of them turn their head when I open the door and say "Tourtney!" easily makes my day. There is no better feeling then having one crawl up into my lap just to watch TV. I love their parents simply for being apart of them. But recently I loved their parents a bit more. While putting sunscreen on Hayden, he asked me why a boy and a boy couldn't get married. I replied by telling him that they can in some states just not here, that some people think it is wrong. Hayden quickly asked where boys and boys and girls and girls can get married. Well I said for instance where I go to school. "In Iowa?" Yes Hayden in Iowa. He looks up at me and says "I think that is cool." 

Beth and Craig are perhaps some of the coolest parents I have ever met. They have pictures all over their house. They support all 6 of their sons in whatever they want to do, and their kids friends don't even have to knock to enter the house, they walk in freely and whenever. Not only are they the most relaxed parents but they are teaching their younger children so much about the value of diversity in this world, they are not only teaching them not to hate and discriminate but showing them. There should be more people such as them. Knowing that these boys will one day grow up and walk around with their beliefs in their hearts as I do now, gives me hope for a world that needs people with values like theirs. 

All Is Fair

The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey.  The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front.  The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.

All my life I have liked the loser. The Chiefs, the royals, and any other team really with more loses than wins. I will go through great strides, a lot of embarrassment and fail attempts, to  protect my team and have other people put faith in them. From my 5 year old self, with my face covered in red and yellow paint, my hair dyed and my GO CHIEFS sweatshirt on sitting in the car for a 3 hour drive, every Sunday of football season, I have had this mentality, Somewhere down the line my active support of losing sports teams has gone from that to my dating life. Ask my friends, I date real winners. I've dated someone physical abuse, I've dated a few emotionally abuse, almost every guy I have dated has cheated on me, they rarely have jobs, a lot of them aren't the brightest light bulb in the closet, and a few even had a Class A soap opera ending to it. But if you ask me (and I will still say now) these guys are great guys. We are friends, they were also so nice so and so further. Ask my friend Jenny or my friend Sarah and they would roll their eyes and say "who? that idiot?".
I also cheer for one big school, KU. I can't watch the games on sound because I get too emotionally invested, and sometimes I can only check the score or I go into cardiac arrest. They are the big shots. I wont ever tell you all those guys on that team are good guys, a lot of them are ass holes. They think they are hot shit and they barely pull through each game. When they lose one I always believe they deserve it (except to MU or KState, no one deserves that). I'd like to say I date these guys to, the guys that are always scoring but I don't. I'm usually just another winning game, and who really obsesses about a winning game. These big shots, are the one night stands of college.
I also cheer for the underdog (my college sports teams). The people who rarely win, but you always want them to. Who practice and practice at being good but their record makes it look like the mascot was playing the game the entire time. These are the people i should date. The ones who don't have moves or lines because they are genuine guys. They want you to meet their parents, and when you are hooking up they turn the music up so his roommates wont hear (chivalry isn't dead). But in reality with these guys they are pretty hard to find, because usually you are either a big shot or a loser.
There have been times I think I have found an underdog I can turn into a monogamous hot shot, and it usually back fires when I find out they are cheating on me. Love is a lot like finding your perfect team, you want the good guys, who win, who are honest and who don't cheat. You want someone you will fight to the death for to protect the fact that they are good guys. I think for a lot of us that's the perfect team and perfect man, but in all reality the cliche is true, all is fair in love & basketball.

Peace Predator

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. No one can achieve inner peace by pouncing on it.

We all have hectic lives with work, school, family problems, and relationships. In a day there are very few times I feel like me. Where I am not stressed and no one is talking to me. It is usually in the car on my way places, if I'm not on the phone that is. When I'm listening to my "hippie music" play list on my Ipod & driving with the windows down, drinking my favorite kind of tea, peace tea. Those are the moments I am relaxed. & I like to drive as far as I can on metcalf and park on the top of this hill and just breath, or sit on my yoga mat in the morning and just relax before a crazy day. To fully come out of yourself, to forget about all your problems for 3o minutes a day & just achieve inner peace is what keeps me from going nuts in this crazy world. Peace is something (if you actually know me) that is very important to me, hell I have a peace sign tattooed on my body. Being born in the early 60's would've been just dandy with me. If you ask me, which you are since this is my blog, peace can't be achieved through out the world unless you start with yourself. Recently I stumbled upon a list of things to do to start achieving inner peace & while I have been doing them for a few weeks (and it works!) I thought I'd share them with you to make a happier, healthier, and more sane you!

1. Drink mostly water. It is good for your body and helps you relax. If you need caffeine (like I do sometimes) drink tea or eat and apple, avoid coffee and energy drinks they have alot of sugar that affects your mood. 
2. Take 30 minutes a day and sit somewhere alone with no technology. Sip on your water and just sit there. You will be amazed how this seemingly boring idea can relax you.
3. Have a spot that is just for you. Rather is a hill, your room, a playground or a parking lot try to go there at least once a week if not more and watch the sunset or rise, its a great way to start or end a week. 
4. Keep a journal of some sort. Everyone knows it isn't healthy to bottle up feelings, but sometimes it isn't the right time to share them. Instead of holding them in write a blog (cough cough), or a journal, or poems or even songs or pictures. 
5. Have an activity you enjoy doing that causes little stress. I like blogging or riding my bike for instance, or even reading. You could sew or do crafts. Feel your free time with these things instead of watching tv or being on your computer facebook creeping.
6. The less time you spend on social networking sites a day the better. They are fun and great to have, but the longer you spend creeping on random strangers the more of your life you are wasting and you might develop this thing called Facebook Depression. It is a real thing. Look it up. 
7. & Finally eat as many fruits and vegetables and things grown in the ground (take that as you may) as you can. The natural sugars are better for you and make you feel better than any candy bar or chip ever would. It is the old saying of you are what you eat!

Hidden Miracles

Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.

One moment can change your life. No day is ever like the one before, and who you are right now will not be who you are when you wake up in the morning. If today taught me anything it is to live in the moment, but to live responsibly. To treasure every moment because no moment will ever be like that one. Each day brings us a new challenge, and no matter the outcome of the challenge we are forever change. No matter the outcome there are always some what if's. Today I was blessed and cursed at the same time, and no matter how I deal with the challenge that has been presented I know I will always wonder what if, and I hope that the people who surround me will support each decisions I make for the rest of my life and know that no decision was made lightly. Respect those who love you, like you would want the people you love to respect you. And the people you carry with you on the journey you take you must always realize that your choices affect them as much as their choices affect you. My life as it is today is nothing like I would've ever imagined it, even two months ago. And the support that I have received has come from rare and unusual places, and for that I am grateful. I know this seems a bit of a rant, but isn't that what life is? A series of unrelated events that in the end become so related it is almost heartbreaking.

A Child's Tale

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

There are very few people in your life who will always be there for you. For instance your parents and family. A lot of people would like to think their friends will be there for them no matter what but I know things that I could do that would push almost all of my friends away. I have great friends, at school and at home, and I think I'm one of the few people who would rather be at school all year than be at home which in ways makes me feel very distance from my friends at school because I know they would rather  be at home. But that is a bit off the point. I have few friends here at home where it really feels like nothing has changed. Tonight I sat on that same old play ground with my same old friend and talked. It is a playground that we have promised never to take anyone else to. And while we are lightyears away from who we were last summer, and while things couldn't be more different, our friendship has never changed. And I know there are few things in this world I could do that would make him hate me, and I'm sure he knows the same thing. He knows me better than a lot of people, he knows my problems with my family and doesn't take anything I tell him lightly. He's the first and only friend that I have ever had that takes me seriously when I want to be and knows when I'm joking. I can tell him anything (like my weird fear of weed effects), and he can do the same. & Our history could make a funny little sitcom or book. We've been through a lot and hopefully he will always be there when I need him. I can't tell you where either of us will end up, and if in a year we will sit on the playground again, or even after this summer if we will see each other that much. But after almost nine years of friendship it is nice to know that the history of us will forever been frozen on the playground, and for that I am internally grateful.

A Letter Almost Never Sent

It's only when you grow up, and step back from him, or leave him for your own career and your own home - it's only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it. Pride reinforces love.

Dear Daddy,
First off happy early fathers day! It's been quite a year. When you moved out in April & missed my last spring show I cried, oh did I cry, And when you had to miss me moving into college for my freshman year that was hard too. But in February you almost missed the rest of my life. It's hard to tell people about how scary that was, because when you say someone almost died, they focus on the almost. Watching you lay in that bed all I could think about was what if the almost wasn't there. That's the only what if of that day. There was no what if about what would've happened if mom hadn't come in that morning before work. You would've died. If we hadn't taken you to the hospital that early you would've never seen this letter. Through out the day we watch as your blood sugar wouldn't lower, we watched you struggle with breathing and trying to escape the bed, things that you can't remember. The doctor even said you might still die. You remember nothing about that day, but I could describe it to you in a heart beat with every detail. The way I looked at you changed that day. I would sometimes not answer your phone calls out of laziness, or not scratch you back because my TV show was on. That day I would've killed to be able to talk to you and to scratch your back. Even writing about it now makes me cry.
You have always been there, when I choose not to do sports anymore, despite your sadness about not being able to coach me anymore, you still came to almost every recital. And even when I got sick at the age of 19 you still wake up and come into my room and hold my hair back for me. You taught me to drive and to ride a bike, and you always answer my calls, and when I really need you, you come get me. You have helped me through a lot in this year, ex boyfriends, some big issues, and even home sickness. & When I need gas money you always try to help (which by the way.. :) ). I thank God that on this fathers day I get to write you a letter, and that I get to buy you a present and go out for dinner. I'm thankful that my biggest concern is that I will be gone and you will be home alone, and I'm thankful that I'm going to the lake and not visiting your stone. I'm thankful for every day before and since that you have made me smile and laugh, and I couldn't be happier that I still get to dance with you in the kitchen. You are the best dad I could ever ask for and no matter what happens in the next year I know it will only make us stronger. I'm truly blessed with your presence every day and I honestly can't wait for all the other events we will be given through out the wonderful life that you get a second chance to live.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
I love you,
Sissy

Lighting The Grey

"So I don't know what we are doing, if this is the real deal or just some game. It is the biggest in between I've ever had but all I know is I don't go more than five minutes without thinking about you, and I mention your name in every conversation. Your smile could literally knock me off my feet, and when you hug me the way my heart sinks to my stomach is indescribable. All I know is those things aren't a grey area, all I know is I'd give anything for this to be the real deal."

In today's society where commitment is a word only uttered when you are drunk and trying to get some ass, the term "talking to" has become the new "dating" but with less promises.  You can talk to someone and still go on dates and hook up with other people, all while having your "talking" buddy. When did our generation avoid relationships. When did sex become fucking with no strings attached. The above quote is from one of my guy friends talking about a girl he is in this situation with. And with all of this we get stuck in this rut. Where we don't know what we are allowed to do and what we aren't, and we emotionally invest ourselves into something that was never meant to be more than a fling, and we run away from others that could've worked. In the most literal sense, love becomes a game. It is almost like Sorry, you have to have luck to even get out the door, then you have to worry about people just trying to take you back to home and there are the others that skip over you. But once you are finally safe, you are alone. Life in college today is a mixture of drunken one night stands and booty calls and on occasion a relationship, so how do you take the booty call or the guy you are "talking to" and leave the grey area and become more than that with out scaring them off with the word commitment. Our generation is losing seriousness, and unless this is going to result in a recreation of Woodstock (which would be great), then we need to rediscover that sex is important and special, that relationships are better than fuck buddies and that love doesn't start drunk in a bar. We need to get out of all the grey areas and start getting back into the light. 

Do You Wanna Touch?

It happens to the best of us, go out, drink too much and end up in some rando's room. Hopefully the person next to you is still as attractive as you remember and even better if you can remember their name. As you walk home you realize you just had a one night stand. After my first year of college and some (not as dramatic or awkward) encounters (fam don't freak) here are my tips for you. *thanks college town for some help!*

1. Always go to the other persons room. If it gets awkward you can leave and can choose to sleep there or not. The only bad part is the walk home but in reality you probably should be walking after all the booze you drank. If you are too ashamed to walk home in last nights clothes leave after the hook up.
2. In fact, maybe you should leave after the hook up. Cuddling can lead to feelings and even awkward mornings with rude roommates. Staying isn't always bad but if it is the first time you've met this person, leave. 
3. Always have gum in your pocket and use it through out the night, no one wants to kiss someone smelling like beer. Also if you do spend the night keep the gum with your cellphone and pop some in your mouth when you wake up in the morning (if your lucky & last night was good there will be a morning hook up).
4. Morning hook ups happen if you are still attractive in the morning, if there is no instigating of a hook up right after waking up, you really ought to leave. 
5. Always wear sexy underwear when you go out, all ladies should have red, black, or white laced underwear. All men should wear boxers or boxer briefs in solid colors, oddly enough your boxers with the dogs on it that says find the bone, won't be funny since most girls can't read after drinking the amount that is allowing you to bring them home. 
6. ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM.
7. Always have music on, we rather your roommates/fraternity didn't hear everything. 
8. Pick the place up a bit before you go out in case you do get lucky that night. 
9. Always have your phone fully charged before you leave to go out. Chances are you will wake up and want to talk to someone on your walk home or call for a ride. NEVER expect the hungover warm body next to you to offer a ride home. 
10. People are going to talk. As a girl you have two options: own it or plead black out. If you own it, remember theres a double standard, but you are just getting yours like everyone else is getting theirs. If you plead black out stay consist with your story and realize that you can only plead black out a few times so choose it carefully. 

The Years in Your Life

"It's not the years in your life but the life in your years."

Tonight I sat around a bonfire talking about all the stupid stuff we use to do and the stupid stuff we still do (like having your 6 foot 4 friend throw you over his shoulder & carry you home almost every weekend). It is safe to say my maturity since graduating high school has decreased. But I like it that way, I always say I would rather live a life i love  than following the cookie cutter life style. I drove around looking at houses that look nothing like the ones I'm surrounded by and I stumbled upon list of things to do in order to live to be a hundred (don't smoke, drink ONE glass of wine). But all these things are putting restrictions on what I like to call fun. When looking at schools my options were a school I love for a lot of money I didn't have, and a school I liked for basically free. In my mind & my dads I was going to the second one, and I would've been happy there, in fact who knows I could've liked it more but at the time it broke my heart not thinking I'd get to go to the school I love. This was the first time I felt money restricting me, and as an education major (something I love to do) I realize that money is going to be a restriction the rest of my life, but with encouragement from my mom and a spontaneous trip I determined that life was too short not to attend a school I adored. Life is too short to let money or people restrict you (although there are some limits).  When someone tells you you can't do something, that should give you all the motivation to do it.
I couldn't tell you everything that happened between my 18th and 19th birthday, I can tell you that it was a year, yes, but it was a year that changed my life. The time that passed was nothing but a marker for me to use when reminiscing, and the events that took place were everything in my world. So live it up, drink it down, and don't hold back. Put life in your years.

Dear Young Me,

Dear Young Me,
I wont lie you stumble a lot, so instead of resenting people who try to help you, take their hand once in a while. Answer your phone every time your parents call, I know I know, they try to make what should be a five minute conversation into an hour, but one day you are really going to miss the sound of their voice (but don't delete their voice mails, that was a great idea!) Spend time with your sister and family before you leave college, the people you will want to spend your summer with won't even talk to you a year later. Don't let boys dictate your life, but if you do admit it and move on, Don't lie to mom and dad, they are alot cooler than you think and will eventually keep you out of a lot of trouble. OH, if you pull Spencer's tail he is going to bite you so be careful with that brush, and when you get your wisdom teeth out don't cover the bruise with band aids, your adhesive allergy is going to make the bruise look sick, (also never eat more than 12 strawberries, your face will regret it). In kindergarten don't color on the chalkboard with crayon, Ms Iron is a mean witch and will make you clean it during recess. Never let money dictate your life. In high school you will fall in love a few times, or so you will think, but believe me when I say when it doesn't work once it never will, it may be hard at time but you are going to save yourself alot of heart break if you don't try again. I know you think that to love someone hurts, but trust me when I say that if it's the right person, it doesn't. Don't go on that date, trust me you will know what I'm talking about when the opportunity arises. Avoid at all cost that church parking lot by home, it kind of goes hand and hand with that date. I know you are curious, and really when it comes to that I don't advice much different, except realize that repeating unhealthy activity will one day make you hate yourself, lets try to avoid that one. Never be afraid to wait, you wont miss out on anything. Watch George Lopez with Daddy as much as you can and start to open up to him, he understands more than you think. You are going to learn a lot of stuff you wish you didn't know, but don't be afraid to confront the person about it, it's not fair to let their mistakes eat away at you. Just because your old love didn't call you beautiful doesn't mean you should date every guy that does, you are better than that & you are beautiful. If you take cay's clothes hide them better, and don't smoke in your car it makes dad mad. When someone says something that offends you speak up, and when a friend tells you something that is hard to hear sit and listen. Don't go get coffee that day with Jen & Kaiti, and realize that the guys who started out as "just fun" end up being the most consistent men in your life, hold on to them, they love you for you. Try to sleep more in college and skip less class in high school. And on the plane ride back from London, make sure you plug the headphones all the way in, its amazing how much sense movies make with sound. Don't hold on to people who aren't holding on back, and don't be afraid when it seems like high school meant more to others than it did to you. Being ready to move on is scary, but not something to be ashamed of. Go out and have fun. Remember you are only as strong as the drinks you sip on, the friends you lean against and the tables you dance on. I love you.

Love,

Court

P.S Even if you follow none of this & make all the mistakes I made, you still did damn well, kid.

Just Another Statistic

In one year I will no longer have the chance to be just another number in the ever growing rate of teenage pregnancy (thank God). I have friends and classmates that have gotten pregnant, I watch 16 and pregnant, and teen mom, I even had a weekend with an electronic baby & now nanny 3 boys that get mistaken as mine all the time. I have the utmost respect for a teen parent, and am thankful every day for not being one. Through the two hands on experiences I have had my biggest shock about teenage pregnancy isn't the baby but society.
When I had my plastic baby I had a women tell me that my baby was going to hell, and another tell me that she hoped I wasn't wearing white on my wedding day. When my male friend and I took the baby out in public people looked at him like he was a Saint for actually doing what all teen fathers should do and looked at me like I was a typical valley girl who couldn't keep her legs shut. A lot of girls who get pregnant have been with their partners for awhile, they aren't just a Kum & Go (punny :) ).
Now with the boys I nanny for, I pick them up from school, take the to parks and the pool and even out for lunch sometimes. I get the side glances (the boys are 6 and two 4 year olds, which would've made me 13 & 15 when I had them. COME ON!) and questions like "Oh, so is their daddy still around?". Yes, you arrogant son of a gun, who do you think I drop them off with at 5:30? When I walked the twins into Vacation Bible school this morning the looks I got from the middle aged women were something else, and one even asked me if I really thought the boys should be here! Even if I was a teenage mother, why shouldn't my children be allowed to go to Vacation Bible School because I had them out of wedlock? Playing, feeding, driving these boys around and taking care of my baby was never the hard part, in fact, it was all exactly how I expected it to be, late nights, early mornings, not enough sleep and a lot of screaming and crying (on both parts). I can't wait to have kids (okay, that's a lie yes I can) but what makes being in public with these kids so hard is society. Why isn't their first thought about me being their sister, or their babysitter, why do most people jump to the conclusion that I'm their mother? & even if I was their mom where do you get off telling me that my kids can't go to Vacation Bible School and that I shouldn't wear white? Arrogance is societies biggest downfall.
To all the teenage mothers who endure this every day, know that I am envious of your ability to not yank all of these idiotic people to the ground by their necks with each comment, because I sure wanted to. I admire your ability to keep your head up high after 2 hours of sleep, and your ability to embrace and love the child you weren't completely ready for. The world would be a much better place with a lot less judgement.

All The Small Things

"You are always your biggest problem, and always your only solution."

It's the little things that add up. Rather it is something like a song that reminds you of a moment, or when you go to get a shirt out of your closet and its gone, the little things make you or break you. Today while sitting in the car on my way home from Des Moines the song Come On Get Higher came on and I had what you could call a flashbulb memory. Summer before my junior year I had just gotten out of my boyfriend of 9 months pool and we were laying in his bed talking. It was the first time I remember someone actually taking my breath away ("when you breath out and I breath in"). I could recall every detail of that moment, how the sun was coming through the windows, what his mom was cooking upstairs, and how it felt. It was that little thing in the car today that reminded me that that relationship wasn't always as bad as people want to make it seem. It is also the little things that turn you into the person you are. Who I am has been built on liberal beliefs, Christmas's sitting on the stairs waiting for presents, cereal for dinner and misunderstandings. One of my biggest misunderstandings in life is the importance of not just first times, but the importance of the following times. I generally think that once you do something once it has less meaning and therefore not as big of a deal. Like cheating, having sex, peaking on presents, or even speeding. Once the nervousness of doing anything the first time is over you can't seem to stop doing it. In the car I realized that my biggest problem, underestimating the meaning of things, is a problem no one can fix for me, it is a problem I have to fix myself. Change is a big part of life, most people use New Years Eve, birthdays, or the start of school to bring about change (or at least try to for about a week) but for me change comes with realizations. In the past year I experienced a lot of first, big ones in fact, and once it happened, once the story was finished, doing some of these things again & again with reckless abandonment didn't matter as much. I realize that yes, when people ask questions they ask stuff like "When was the FIRST time you got a speeding ticket? When was the FIRST time you had sex? When was the FIRST time you skipped class?" & so on, no one asks you about the other stuff, but just because that is all that matters to them doesn't mean that it should be all that matters to you. Today I realized that there is a time & place for everything & I have been having bad timing and reckless placement for a while with some of my decisions. I realize that love is necessary for a lot of things that I try to pretend it isn't, and that just because you did it once doesn't mean that you need to do it again. It is a hard change, a small change, but a change that will nonetheless make a difference.

I Hope They Serve Vodka In Hell

If the Westboros Baptist Church is what is in heaven then I think hell is going to suit me just fine. If you don't know about Westboros Baptist Church, type it in to google, its one of the few things that actually makes me ashamed to be from Kansas. I won't ever say I hate the Westboros because my hatred for them would make me no better, but instead because they hate something I love and believe in so strongly, I'm just going to love it more. The comedian Lisa Lampanellia, was promoting her book in Topkea, KS (home to the church) when they decided to protest her show. Lampanellia made it known that for every person who showed up to protest with the church she would donate a thousand dollars to a gay mens clinic. 44 people showed up to protest her show (congrats Fred Phelps, your family showed up!) and she donated 50,000 dollars. Their extreme hatred of homosexuality baffles me. In my world I believe that no one should be allowed to tell you what to do with your body or what you do in the bed room. But I guess the bigger picture I'm getting at is the characteristics that qualify someone to go to hell. People say that they don't care if homosexuals get married as along as it isn't in the church because it goes against the bible. So does being drunk or getting a tattoo, so if you want to apply that then I won't be getting married in a church either. People say that it ruins the sanction of marriage, I think someone should talk to Britney Spears and Arnold Schwarzenegger about how "precious" their marriages were to them. The divorce rate is 50 percent, I don't think anyone is risking too much. Homosexuality is close to my heart, I have family members that are gay and friends that are as well, and I would never want to see someone hold them back from being happy because their sexual orientation is sending them to hell (bullshit). How can you say that this person can fight for their country but they can't get married, that they can die for their country protecting your arrogant self but Fred Phelps right to freedom of speech trumps their right to having a peaceful ceremony? If we are living by the bible so hardcore then if I do recall God says to love everyone, so the hatred of Westboros Baptist Church, or anyone who looks at someone else who is different and feels hate, is contradictory & it's looking like hell is going to be a bit overcrowded with all of us down there, I sure hope they have vodka if I'm sharing a space with Fred Phelps for eternity.

Kansas Princess

Since the beginning of August I've had to constantly say that no I do not live on a farm, nor do I own a tractor, I don't only like country music, and yes my town is larger than just my family. I fight like crazy to make it known that my "accent" isn't an accent its a speech impediment I have had since I was little, and that while yes there are farms and fields, my town has a population of 175,000 and is the Top 7th place to live according to CNN. I sent a lot of time fighting to the bone that I wasn't a country girl. But I am. I live in a suburb & have my whole life but if I could I'd live on a farm somewhere in the middle of rolling hills next to a lake. I own a cowboy hat (and wear it), I'm always in the mood for country music, Tim McGraw was my first crush, I like to run around barefoot, I'd rather walk or boat somewhere than drive, I'd rather drive 30 miles to get groceries than 4 hours to get out of a city. I say and do some of the most red neck things & although I hate spiders and snakes, I love nature. Sometimes I even say y'all. I know people who describe cities as beautiful, but I think cities are cool and landscape is beautiful. I'm a country girl. I want to live in Wyoming and have a house at the lake, drive a couple of four wheelers and jet skis, I want a huge truck. I love the country & I love who I am, so poke fun all you want but just know there are farm lands in all states, and Kansas isn't the south.
I went to Table Rock this week no cell service, it was beautiful. I'm not all about technology being a bad thing, in fact I think its great, but for 4 days I was not able to talk to anyone but the people I was with which was fantastic. I wasn't ever worried about where my phone was, no one could bother me with their drama, and for once I could breath. I won't lie my phone being off had a lot to do with having no service but it doesn't change the out come. I got to think a lot and explore some things about myself that I've always wondered about. I missed the people I usually talked to but that made talking to them on Monday so much better.
So I guess I just want to say this, live your life as much as you can now, turn your phone off and stop denying who you are because of some stupid stereotype.

"You are never more alive then when you're almost dead."

My Country Tis of Thee

I want to attend a hot air balloon festival in Alabama (and hopefully ride in one). I want to just see Alaska first hand, and take one of those tiny scary planes to get there. I've already seen the Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, Highway 69, and the Petrified Forest in Arizona, but I want to take my kids there one day and watch their faces light up. I want to see the Hot Springs National Park in Arkansas and stomp grapes, make wine and drive along side the shore in California. I want to go skiing in Colorado, and attended a play at the Westport County Playhouse in Connecticut. I want to watch the sun set behind a historical light house in Delaware, and go to Stone Mountain Park and the Underground of Atlanta in Georgia. I think I'll go to Disney World in Florida and maybe even take a wild spring break at Panama City Beach. I want to see the volcanoes in Hawaii and lay on the beach, and on the total flip side I want to go to the Idaho Potato Museum. I've seen the Bean and been to top of the Sear tower in Chicago, Illinois, but I'd love to go to a Gay Pride parade. I want to hear the roar of race cars at the Indy 500 in Indiana, and while I go to school in Iowa I want to go to the crookedest street in the World, Snake Alley. And I suppose I've lived in Kansas my entire life but I'd love to get out and attend the symphony in the Flint Hills. I want to watch and bet on a horse in the Kentucky Derby (& hopefully win), I want to earn beads (sorry parents) at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana and eat lobster in Maine. I want to go to a Baltimore Ravens game in Maryland and visit the Salem Witch Trails site on my way to Martha's Vineyard in Massachusetts. One day, I'd like to go sail boating on the Great Lakes in Michigan, and go to the Mall of America in Minnesota. I want to take an RV and go camping in Mississippi, and while I've been to the Arch and the lakes of Missouri I've always wanted to go to Silver Dollar City. White water rafting is something I've always thought would be fun so maybe I'll do it in Montana, and once I make it to Nebraska I've heard amazing things about their Zoo. It would be pretty cool to spend my 21 birthday in Las Vegas, Nevada, and maybe see Cirque De Soleil. I'll have to start working out more but I'd love to climb Mount Monadnock in New Hampshire. I'd love to walk along the Jersey Shore in New Jersey and I want to fully explore the culture of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I want to stand in Time Square on New Years Eve in New York and have a midnight kiss with someone I love. & it would be so cool to stand on top of a mountain in North Carolina one day and be on the beach looking for sea shells the next day. I want to learn to pick corn in North Dakota, and I want to spend a weekend in Ohio just to say I have. I've been to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial site, but I want to take my kids there just to show them that some times bad things do happen to good people. I'd like to explore the end of the Oregon Trail, and see the Liberty Bell in Pennsylvania. Perhaps take a Newport Harbor Tour and see the Victorian Natural History Museum in Rhode Island. I'd like to take a mini vacation and head to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, or go to Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. I've always wanted to see the Elvis Presley Museum in Tennessee after seeing it on Full house, and I've seen the spot where JFK was assassinated but after making the Alamo out of sugar cubes in fourth grade I'd like to see it in person when I go back to Texas. I want to go to Salt Lake City in Utah just to see what all the fuss is about, and have some syrup in Vermont. In Virginia I'd want to see Colonial Williamsburg, and in West Virginia I'd like to explore a coal mine.  In Washington it would be cool to see Mount Saint Helen's, then I'd go to a Green Bay Packers game in Wisconsin (and take my lovely roommate), and lastly I'd go to one of the most haunted places in Wyoming, The Sweetwater County Library. 

I know this is a long post, and no one probably read it, but lets be honest, I don't care, I blog for me not for you (sorry!). But I believe as a fairly wealthy country we should help other countries. But there are a lot of problems in America that we have to address too. Like the tornadoes that have recently ripped through tornado ally leaving towns devastated, for example Joplin, MO and Reno, OK. I think sometimes I forget that our country has its own problems and on the flip side, its own beauty, that I over look. Part of my schools mission statement is to become a global citizen, and while I want to travel to all of those different countries, I'm going to be a teacher, a mother, I have to be realistic. My mom tells me every day that our country is becoming a melting pot, so instead of focusing so hard on trying to get out, I feel like I should explore the country people seem to be fleeing to.

Year By Year

“Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.”

There are just some moments in life when you realize that a year really isn't that long. Today was one of those for me. I was running in my neighbor hood this morning and realized a year ago today I was laying on my friend couch in the basement with 3 of my friends totally hungover watching movies the day after my high school graduation. It was a good start to an amazing summer. Now, I've been running, made breakfast, skyped, printed off pictures from my freshman year of college and am now blogging. But it seems like yesterday I was laying on the couch with those three goons watching movies that I still can't even remember today. And now I only talk to one of them that often, one of them every so often and one of them not at all. There are moments, where a year isn't that long but the events that happened in the year seem to last a life time.
I drove around with one of my best friends a couple days go, my little sister Caylin. We talked about the events that have made up our school year, from my dad being in the hospital, my graduation, me leaving, joining a sorority, getting in trouble, losing something I had held on to for 18 years in a way I never thought I would, losing friends, gaining friends, and a lot of deaths. It wasn't an easy year. It was a rewarding one.
To say I don't miss high school wouldn't be a lie, but it's not really the truth either. I miss my friendships from high school, the unbelievable bond I had with those girls on my dance team that could never be replicated no matter what. I miss my friendships with the people in my grade. I miss a lot about high school. But thats normal, rather we want to admit it or not, you wont ever have the history you have with your high school class with anyone else, rather you talked to all of them or just a few select people, we all went through an amazing amount together. But I gained a new type of friendship with my family and a new type of friendship with all sorts of girls that I love dearly (aka my roommate & C1).
A year isn't that long, when you are sitting in the first class of the semester in August a year can seem like an eternity, but the way you live your life in that year, the events that happen and the events that effect you and change you, well in some way, I'd like to think, one year can last a life time.

From Point A to B

Lets talk for a second about the term "end up with". We use it all the time (ex: whoever I'm going to end up with, wherever I end up). I've decided that I hate it. Now fair warning my blogs until I get back to school could be the strangest ones yet, when you spend most of your time with little kids its hard to think clear. However, on my way home from work one day, and through a long thought process I thought back to when my friend told me that it was just all about ending up in the right spot. But we don't truly end up any where do we? There's a story behind every move, and to me the term "end up" makes it sound like something you don't really want to do. I would never want my future boyfriend or husband to say that he "ended up with me", actually I would prefer something more along the lines of "this is my beautiful wife that I am so lucky to be married to", but that's beside the point :). I believe that we don't just end up somewhere. I believe that, yes there is a plan for us, but that we don't make all these decisions to just end up somewhere, we go where we are suppose to. We do what we want, what we need, what is fulfilling to us, and to end up somewhere sounds like settling, which none of our wants and needs should ever be. Now I write this as an optimistic 19 year old sophomore who still believes in love and that things will happen in my favor the majority of the time, so maybe in 40 years if I'm unemployed, single, and bitter my thoughts will be different. I know what happens to those people who end up homeless, divorce and many other things, they don't (usually) choose for these things to be the out come of their endeavors, so yes maybe sometimes we do end up somewhere, I'm not naive, out of most of my friends I know best that life happens, that we are not invincible but I like to think the bad things happen so that good things can come from it, a new appreciation is made out of the wreckage. I don't know about anyone else but I sure as hell don't want to "end up" anywhere and I never want anyone I'm around to feel like they just "ended up" there either. Ultimately I like to think I control my travels through life and that my destination is ever changing at my will.

Child's Play

"I understand the need for miracles they keep reality from paralyzing you"

It's amazing to me children's ability to make believe. Now bare with me. I babysit these little boys, and they are a handful about 90 percent of the time, but I spend a lot of time with them & they say things I don't understand, run around chasing things I can't see & they love every second of it. I think that's the peak in our lives for most people: childhood. Everything is cheap, a cardboard box can entertain you for hours, and you escape your reality as much as you want. Nothing can't be fixed by a band aid & mom's kiss. But with all things considering as you get older the pleasures in life change. Graduating high school & college are great, get married and have kids and you've never been happier, but after that there are bills & fights & the impact of a break up or a death hits hard because you understand the impact of these things. These little boys make me smile but sometimes it makes me sad to think they can go to a world I can't see anymore, they can escape reality but they leave me here to watch from the outside.

Another great song :) 

I Wish I Knew

"I can't just sit here and have coffee with you. I loved you. I know the other night didn't mean for you what it did for me, but I'm not going anywhere. Just know I can't pretend to feel any less than I do, I just can't."

How do you know? How do you know anything? When you are ready to move on, to be friends, to be more than friends, to move out? How do you know if this is right, if you are wasting your time, & if you really don't care anymore? These are problems in my life. I don't know if I'm ready to be more than friends with a really good friend who I have problems trusting, I don't know if I can ever be just friends with one of my ex boyfriends because I feel like our relationship was based on a lie? & I'm ready to move out, I think, I hope, right? How do I know? Theres a difference between what is actual and what will happen. That's what my freshman year taught me. Everything that I was afraid of happening my first year in college happened. & I'm a stronger person for it. If anything I learned I wasn't invincible. But I sure as hell learned that I will never encounter something I can't get over. Which leads me to tonight. 

Tonight I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up, he told me to read his blog but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I want him to be happy, but I don't really want to read about it. & that's the thing about break ups, we always think we are ready to talk again, to be in each others lives, and then you try. & I'm not saying I'm not ready to be his friend, but mostly that I'm not sure I can ever be his friend. I can see us 10 years from now getting the awkward wedding invite, or maybe calling him to tell him something big like a parent dying, or even grabbing coffee randomly to catch up. Which is what we did tonight, we caught up, and it hurt. I want him to be happy, I want to be happy, but for me I don't know if these two things can coexist. I use to hate it, knowing that the relationship hurt me more than it would ever hurt him. But my mom pointed out tonight that I was in love with the person I wish he was, not who he actually is. I was never in love with him. So I guess it's all about learning to care about the person he truly is. If anything it hurt me more because I loved harder than he did, and that's not something I should ever be ashamed of. But how do you know? Tonight could've been one of the biggest mistakes I made so far, because like my mom keeps saying "that boy cheating on you was the best thing that ever happened to you", and yes, this is true. But seeing him didn't hurt, I didn't smile like I use to, but I didn't feel that gut wrenching feeling either. I was numb. So maybe it was too soon, or maybe not. But I guess you don't ever know until you try. Right now I can't be his friend, he has great friends at school (which he always makes clear, and use to/still does drive me nuts) that I know fill any void that I created, if I did create any. & I know he respects that. So a few coffee dates, a few Morse visits, nothing can ever be the same. But I love him as a brother, and I want him to know that no matter what junction we are at in our lives he doesn't need to wait for me to text him anymore, I'll always be there whenever he needs, just in different ways. 

So how do you know? By trying. Because if my ex has made me realize anything life is too short to sit around and wonder "what if". 

Life in a Container

So I'm in Kansas for 3 months, I've been here for two days & have very little to do besides getting beaten up by three boys I babysit (literally bruises on my back). But I've come to a weird realization, my family is old. My sister will graduate high school in a year, this is my last summer at home, and my brother is moving out official (we hope) in august. So after 11 years in this suburban home, my parents are going to sell it. Which means painting my high school room. For those who have seen it know that it screams one thing: high school. I have posters from homecoming, note cards from prom, almost every corsage and flower I have ever received (yes they are dead), pictures covering the walls, all my academic awards, newspaper stuff, and dance stuff. Every inch of my wall is lined with that stuff and if not that theres two dance posters and two of Orlando Bloom. I have a street sign, a traffic cone, and two house signs, and this isn't even touching what is on and inside my desk. So in order to paint, all of my high school stuff has to do one of two things; go in the trash or into storage. So getting a huge storage bin out of my parent's room I began to fill it. Realizing, all the while, unlike some of my friends at school, I didn't keep in touch with anyone. I didn't talk to someone from high school once a day let alone once a week. & maybe thats because I was so ready for college, a lot of things in high school hurt me to think about so throwing a few pieces of paper into the bin was no big deal. But if high school didn't really matter to me, if I didn't really talk to anyone from high school then why wasn't I throwing this stuff into the trash? There are pictures and posters in my room of people who now I know very little about, lost a lot of contact with, or just plan dislike. & yet one by one the prom cards got put into the bin and pictures from freshman year, because rather I like it or not, this was my high school, and yes because of events that have happened throughout the year I've come to realize that high school is something I truly need to let go, but that doesn't mean I need to let go of the memories. I'm ready to move on, if I could've I would've lived in Iowa this summer. There are some people I don't want to lose contact with forever but mostly high school is a thing of the past, I went to school out of state for the reason that I wanted to be done. The people who truly matter in high school would always be there and if one day I turn to them and they aren't then I will count my blessings for my beautiful friends I made this year. So while I pack my things and unpack my college stuff for the next 3 months I plan to have fun, to go to the pool, gossip with my friends like we use to, spend time with my parents, and make money. Because I'm realizing that I need to fully love every moment I have because nothing after this summer will ever be the same. Who you are right now will only be who you are for today. When you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night you are two different people, rather you see it right now or not.

Self Actualization

"I had always thought of myself as aware and thoughtful, but it had occurred to me that most people believed this of themselves. Even as they cheated on their lovers and averted their eyes from the homeless. You could ask a wife beater if he was a good person and he'd probably say yes."

As my freshman year comes to an end I want to talk about a class I took. Intellectual maturity and personal development. With Wanda. For anyone that goes to my school you automatically know how intense this class could possibly be. The first week we were in the class she asked us, "who are you?" Okay well, I'm a friend/daughter/sister, I love music, I'm nice, so on and so forth. As we shared I realized almost everyone described themselves the same way. And so our challenge started. First semester freshman year we were suppose to find out who we were, not who we thought we were. Everyone wants to believe they are nice and caring, but when push comes to shove thats not always the case.  People who are truly nice, are typically annoying and no fun. So when I said I was nice I wasn't lying but thats not really what I am. I'm bitchy, funny, sarcastic, and sometimes, on accident, offensive, but catch me on a good day with a good friend & I will always have their back. So I struggled, all semester. I made bad decisions, went out too much, struggled in class and fought with friends. I had amazing nights dancing, watched stupid shows with funny people, rearranged my room every time my roommate & I changed boys, called my mom crying, and finally, with everything crashing around me, all my old beliefs and old self leaving every pore, I felt... plain. Not like I was the old me, if I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't even recognize me. I had pierced my nose & belly button, dyed my hair, and got a tattoo, but that was just physical. Emotionally, I had never felt so naked before in my entire life. I imagined every person looking at me and knowing everything about me, every thought I had. I had never felt so beautiful and so like me in my entire life.
So then Wanda asked, "Who are you?", and while I'm still changing and still discovering I would never describe myself as a good person, I've made too many mistakes to be one. So while I can't fully answer and I know you probably don't care, with all of this I have realized that we are never who we think we are, we aren't all good people, we don't give every homeless person we see money and we aren't always faithful to our partners.
So that's my challenge to you... I'm asking you... Who are you? Actually. Don't hold back.

Listen to this song, it's amazing & on repeat :)

Peeling Apart The Timeline

This has been the longest week ever. But a blessed one to say the least. A lovely senior send off and will day (three cheers to get the "shacking" will) and a beautiful mothers day with my parents, sister and my other half. Emotional talks and encounters with an old flame, a meteor shower and studying outside, I don't know why people think the weekend before finals week is so bad. However, lately I've been noticing how I let what ended up happening effect previous memories. Bare with me while I try to explain, but it's something I need to get a hold on before I get home in a week and starting tearing down everything on my wall.

In a relationships if my boyfriend cheats on me I look back at the time we were together and think "he never actually cared, he never loved me". Dances we went to together or a trip or even just a random significant night all of a sudden seem like such a crock. (Dramatic yes, but if you actually read my blog it's very normal for me.) So every time I see a picture of a dance, or even think about that person, not only do I want to tear the picture to shreds but my loathing feelings towards the person grow because they ruined a great memory for me. Everything that person has ever said to me rather it be "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or even "I'll be there in fifteen, I can't wait to see you" seem like such a lie, that they never even meant it. And rather or not they actually ever cared I realize now, while I was standing in Forever 21, that letting this effect me is not fair. To let someone take away memories that I love and make them something that hurts me to think about is only letting them win more. So this is what I mean by not letting what ended up happening effect previous memories. You should never let someones bad decisions make you look back negatively upon something that use to make you so happy. Separate the events, the cheating from the dances, the lying from the trips, and the heart break from the memories.

First Star I See Tonight

The simple things in life are the ones that matter.

Last night only proved to me that alcohol isn't always necessary for fun. I, expressing my true nerdy side, and along with my friends went and watch the meteor shower out in the middle of no where. Not only was I convince that out in the boondocks of Iowa we were going to be murdered, but I also ended the night with a nice wound. After situating on the hood of the car, then again on the trunk we witnessed some pretty awesome streaks of meteors. Sometimes its nice to get away from the city and see true stars. We took silly pictures and ate taco bell in celebration of Cinco de Mayo, and it was the most fun I've had all week. It was a moment where for once, in a really long time, I didn't feel like I was disappointing anyone, I wasn't worrying about what I was wearing or how I looked, I laughed, screamed, and literally stared at absolutely nothing. I felt like me again, in the simplest form. Which brings me to my last thought about the beautiful meteor shower. The last time I watched one was in August right before I left for college, last night I was watching in May the week before I leave to go home after my first year in college... weird. & Laying there I reflected on how much has changed between those two times. I lost many loved ones, I almost lost my dad, I made a huge mistake, and took a couple of chances with new and old loves, and then fell right on my face. But most importantly, while I lost so much, I gained more than I could ever imagine. I was afraid of losing my high school self, my high school friends, but when I finally realized that if they were worth anything than they wouldn't disappear, and that is kind of how it worked. To say I love the girls on my floor would be an understatement. To say my roommate is the most beautiful and honest person I have ever met would be too. I'm excited to go home, to spend time with my family, but if I could stay here all summer I would in a heart beat. I lost alot between those meteor showers, but I gained so much more, and last night I saw more meteors shoot across that sky than I did back in August. Coincidence? I think not.

The night also consist of me trying to convince my friends this was the best song ever. Right guys? :)

Read If You Dare

This summer I went to the Army Recruitment Center with one of my friends. When they asked me why I wanted to be a teacher, I said the typical "I want to help kids", and he made a  comment about all aspirating teachers wanting to be like Hillary Swank in Freedom Writers. I won't lie that was kind of how I saw myself. I know its how alot of the people in my education class see themselves. Today, my special education teacher asked what were the top five things we were looking forward to. Mine where 1) Decorating my classroom. 2) Getting to know my students. 3) Writing lesson plans. 4) Assigning and grading creative projects. & 5) Coaching or being an advisor. Pretty simple if you ask me, but they are things that make up teaching. Every day isn't going to be rewarding, every student isn't going to like me, and while yes I can make a difference, I wont ever be Hillary Swank. I've come to the conclusions that teachers have to be practical. This is just an interesting tid bit of my day I wanted to share.

On a different note I'm debating on rather or not to continue blogging. I blog every day and it certainly helps me clear my mind and then continue on with my list of things to do. But somethings are too hurtful to see or do every day, some people I don't know if I want reading my blog and knowing information about me with out me sharing it with them personally. I wont ever be a famous writer, this blog will maybe last this summer, MAYBE, but how long will I really have anything interesting to say that any one will want to read, if anyone reads this at all. So for those who do read, I might stop soon. I know you are heart broken, but we can't always get what we want.

And lastly, I'm learning how to mend a broken heart. & to save those who do read from a long blog, I'll keep it short. Always surround yourself with friends. Don't lay around for more than one day. Don't talk until you can go weeks with out thinking about them, they don't appear in your dreams, seeing them wont unravel you, and you don't have to physically force yourself to not look at their facebook. I once dated a guy for 9 months and waited two years until we could talk civilly again. But we can be friends, catch up, and seeing him doesn't make me cry anymore. Waiting, that's the key to MENDING a broken heart. If they care about you, no matter how long it takes to be ready, they will be there to "catch up" when you are healed.

The video below is an amazing song with an amazing meaning that makes me think of an awful situation with an amazing friend. So enjoy!

Contradictory Death

Osama's death has be recognized and celebrated across campuses all over the country. The above video clip is the celebration at Iowa State. Call me unpatriotic but I think the whole "eye for an eye" attitude is wrong. Martin Luther King Jr said "‎I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." We, as children, were taught that death was not to be rejoiced, that murder was not right, and that we shall not kill. But when there are riots breaking out on the streets after the death of Osama are we holding a double standard. It's just another double standard that we as Americans hold, we believe in not murdering people but we start wars, have the death pertly, and celebrate the death of certain people. We help "corrupt" nations build a new government and take care of homeless people, but our unemployment rate is high and people are questioning rather our President was even born in America. In my opinion death shall never be celebrate, as the saying goes an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. 

No Greater Gift

Watch this fools :)

Whenever you are sad remember someone loves you.

"I love you, I don't know you, but I love you just the same."

Family Matters

The foundation of my life is my family. In the nineteen years I've made more mistakes than I'd care to admit but what always gets me is that my parents are always right. They say things like "don't date that guy he is not good for you" and what a shocker, rather its weeks or a few months later their predictions become true. Or simply when they say "No" (and I actually listen), I usually avoid getting into some sort of trouble. But even after I don't listen and all the times that I have laid in their bed crying over drama, grades, or even my siblings, they never say I told you so, they never say that I should've listened, they just sit there and try to reason with me. My mom and dad definitely played devils advocate with me. When deciding where I wanted to go to school my parents had very different view points on what would be the best for me, and I have no doubt that I would've enjoyed either place, but they make me think and I eventually choose the best one for me.

I'm lucky to have such great parents. We may not be the model family but after a year of college I never realized how much they let me be my own person. I'm more open minded because of them. In my house if you wanted to go to church, then go, but you didn't have to, and with political issues I always believed what I want but when we had disagreeing arguments I listened. Living in that house taught me to question my beliefs constantly but to always hold on to them. My views are my views, not my parents, and in college I try to test my beliefs as often as available. I went to a pro life speech about a women who as an infant survived an abortion. Yes, the process its pretty sick, and I listened to her talking about how much her life mattered until it got preachy and then I played brick breaker. Call me insensitive but I believe every ones life matters, including the mother of the baby. I will always say I'm pro life for myself pro choice for everyone else. But that's another thing my parents have taught me, to be respectful of others beliefs. 

I guess what I'm trying to get at out of my rant is always cherish your parents, they got you were you are today, and theres a good chance they know whats better for you than you do. & rather they were as positive of an influence as my parents were or not, just know they love you the best they can. My parents are my best friends & I couldn't be more lucky.