For Once

New blog donezo with this one. www.foroncecourtneypaige.blogspot.com

If You Can't Say Anything Nice

He who does not understand your silence probably wont understand your words.

There's a lot of different things going on in my life and right now I just need to write down some stuff I'm thinking. So here are ten things I'd like to say to ten people. If you know me it shouldn't be hard to tell who is who. 

1. Stop lying to yourself. Yea it's been a good summer but you know that you need some help. So stop lying and figure out what is going on and get some help. Don't lose yourself more than you already have and don't ever underestimate your worth, you are much more precious than what everyone thinks. 
2. You're attitude has got to go. & I wish you wanted to hang out with me more, i feel so pathetic having to almost beg you to, but i know one day one of ill regret not spending time together. You have 3 months with me, you have 9 months with everyone else. Btw I don't care that he is 6 years older than you, but I would really like to meet him, and I hope you don't make the same mistake I did. 
3. It literally astounds me everything we have endured and how strong our friendship is now, and while I hope you know I will always be here for you I still have moments where it hurts to think that everything till this May was a lie. I'm over you in that way and I'm, again, so glad we are best friends. But I wont lie when i say the relationship really messed with the way I look at love and its making the relationships I'm trying to have now harder. I just still can't believe all that love was only a one way street, but I know talking about this is just like beating a dead horse, it makes no sense.  
4. I love you so dearly but I wish you wouldn't be such a bitch all the time. Your mood effects everyone else. I wish the house wasn't always full of lies, I can't take much more of the pressure, I want home to be somewhere I want to go, not some kind of living hell.  
5. I'm glad you are having a good summer but sometimes it really hurts me knowing you don't want to come back. I also am glad you are so happy with your decisions lately but sometimes I wish my opinion meant more to you. I'm excited to get back together, I just wish you were too. 
6. If you would just back off a bit and figure out what you are doing or trying to do then this would be the perfect relationship. I really really like you and am starting to realize that maybe right now isn't the time for us if you can't change yet.
7. You weren't there when one of the most important events happened. You wont ever have that image in your face. All you do is yell at him, when he really does love you and if you ever truly understand what losing him would mean then maybe you would be nicer. It saddens to think that the only way you will realize this is when you do lose him. 
8. I sometimes can't believe we've been friends as long as we have since sometimes I'm sitting across from you with nothing to say. I always use to blame your relationships on the distance that was between us, but maybe it is just getting older, maybe its just us choosing different life styles, or maybe it is because we never truly had anything in common.
9. I had a lot of fun this weekend, you made me remember that life is suppose to be fun not always serious. The timing could've been better but at the same time if couldn't have been. For the few days I knew you, you gave me some of the best advice I've received all summer. While it may not have been the best idea, it will def make one of the best memories.  
10. I'm dumbfound by how what we had early this year has flourished into a friendship that at times makes me want to hit you. I adore you kid but please stop trying to bang all my sorority sister, it really kills me, it is breaking my heart. 

The Way She Feels

In the end we had pieces of the puzzle, but no matter how we put them together, gaps remained. Oddly shaped emptiness mapped by what surrounded them, like countries we couldn't name. What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts. A clock ticking on the wall, a room dim at noon, the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself

--The Virgin Suicides

I believe that things don't just happen. I'm not talking about the reason they occur, but when people say things "came out of the blue". The nation preaches gateways in every aspect of life. Unemployment is a gateway to the increase in poverty, marijuana is a gateway to other drugs. What many people don't understand is the correlation of self harm to suicide. Suicides receive a lot of recognition, national statistic, news stories, and schools hold days of awareness. Victims of self harm go unnoticed typically and once noticed it is usually too late. When I was in 7th grade a friend of mine told me she was going to commit suicide. That was the day I noticed the cuts on her wrist. After going home that night and telling my parents, who told her parents (and don't worry she is alive and happy today, she just doesn't talk to me) I laid in my bath tub with a safety pin and wondered what could make her want to do that. After that night I struggled with cutting, just like a shocking number of teenagers. The reason I write about this today is because it has been exactly 2 months since the last time. I, just like others, would go to practices and count how many times I messed up, or the number of questions I got wrong on a test, and that would be the number of times I would slide the object across my wrist, my ribs, my hip, or the bottom of my foot. Few friends knew and most just said to stop, like it was that easy. My parents, if they knew, never said anything. Just because someone isn't plotting suicide doesn't mean they aren't hurting and it doesn't mean it wont happen. For a lot of people suicide isn't the only escape from reality, rather it be self harm, abuse of alcohol or abuse of drugs. If you know of someone who does any of these things don't just tell them to stop, talk to a counselor, or their parent, I know now I wish my friends had because then maybe I wouldn't be struggle with it now in college. There are too many teenage statistic, don't let yourself or a friend be one of them.

Imagine a New Generation

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. 

There are not enough people in this world who would take in a person and feed them and treat them like they are their own child, pay for the college and make them dinner every night. Not enough people will take in just one person, let alone two. This summer I have spent nannying for a beautiful family consisting of two parents and six boys. While I spend the majority of my day with the youngest boys (Hayden 6, Brody & Adam 4) I have noticed just by watching them how wonderful their parents really are. Their oldest son is a Marine, his friends Raymond and Berry both live in the house as well. They do their laundry there and have dinner with the family every night. While Berry just moved in this summer Raymond has been there for a while. The parents got his senior pictures taken and they are framed on the wall, they threw him a graduation party, they went to his orientation for college with him, hell they have loans out to send him to college & most importantly every mothers day Raymond gives Beth a card, and Beth calls him her son. People say that blood is thicker than water but walking to the pool one day Hayden said to me that sometimes water makes blood feel better. The younger boys don't see that Raymond and Berry are a different skin color, in fact they talk about trying to be as tan as them. And rather this is just blissful ignorance of a child or the new generations retaliation against the hate that so many people have been raised in, I think it is wonderful. 

You learn a lot about the parents of the child you babysit for through the child's behavior and questions. To say I love these boys would be an understatement, they make me angry but quickly make me laugh, and having one of them turn their head when I open the door and say "Tourtney!" easily makes my day. There is no better feeling then having one crawl up into my lap just to watch TV. I love their parents simply for being apart of them. But recently I loved their parents a bit more. While putting sunscreen on Hayden, he asked me why a boy and a boy couldn't get married. I replied by telling him that they can in some states just not here, that some people think it is wrong. Hayden quickly asked where boys and boys and girls and girls can get married. Well I said for instance where I go to school. "In Iowa?" Yes Hayden in Iowa. He looks up at me and says "I think that is cool." 

Beth and Craig are perhaps some of the coolest parents I have ever met. They have pictures all over their house. They support all 6 of their sons in whatever they want to do, and their kids friends don't even have to knock to enter the house, they walk in freely and whenever. Not only are they the most relaxed parents but they are teaching their younger children so much about the value of diversity in this world, they are not only teaching them not to hate and discriminate but showing them. There should be more people such as them. Knowing that these boys will one day grow up and walk around with their beliefs in their hearts as I do now, gives me hope for a world that needs people with values like theirs. 

All Is Fair

The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey.  The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front.  The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.

All my life I have liked the loser. The Chiefs, the royals, and any other team really with more loses than wins. I will go through great strides, a lot of embarrassment and fail attempts, to  protect my team and have other people put faith in them. From my 5 year old self, with my face covered in red and yellow paint, my hair dyed and my GO CHIEFS sweatshirt on sitting in the car for a 3 hour drive, every Sunday of football season, I have had this mentality, Somewhere down the line my active support of losing sports teams has gone from that to my dating life. Ask my friends, I date real winners. I've dated someone physical abuse, I've dated a few emotionally abuse, almost every guy I have dated has cheated on me, they rarely have jobs, a lot of them aren't the brightest light bulb in the closet, and a few even had a Class A soap opera ending to it. But if you ask me (and I will still say now) these guys are great guys. We are friends, they were also so nice so and so further. Ask my friend Jenny or my friend Sarah and they would roll their eyes and say "who? that idiot?".
I also cheer for one big school, KU. I can't watch the games on sound because I get too emotionally invested, and sometimes I can only check the score or I go into cardiac arrest. They are the big shots. I wont ever tell you all those guys on that team are good guys, a lot of them are ass holes. They think they are hot shit and they barely pull through each game. When they lose one I always believe they deserve it (except to MU or KState, no one deserves that). I'd like to say I date these guys to, the guys that are always scoring but I don't. I'm usually just another winning game, and who really obsesses about a winning game. These big shots, are the one night stands of college.
I also cheer for the underdog (my college sports teams). The people who rarely win, but you always want them to. Who practice and practice at being good but their record makes it look like the mascot was playing the game the entire time. These are the people i should date. The ones who don't have moves or lines because they are genuine guys. They want you to meet their parents, and when you are hooking up they turn the music up so his roommates wont hear (chivalry isn't dead). But in reality with these guys they are pretty hard to find, because usually you are either a big shot or a loser.
There have been times I think I have found an underdog I can turn into a monogamous hot shot, and it usually back fires when I find out they are cheating on me. Love is a lot like finding your perfect team, you want the good guys, who win, who are honest and who don't cheat. You want someone you will fight to the death for to protect the fact that they are good guys. I think for a lot of us that's the perfect team and perfect man, but in all reality the cliche is true, all is fair in love & basketball.

Peace Predator

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. No one can achieve inner peace by pouncing on it.

We all have hectic lives with work, school, family problems, and relationships. In a day there are very few times I feel like me. Where I am not stressed and no one is talking to me. It is usually in the car on my way places, if I'm not on the phone that is. When I'm listening to my "hippie music" play list on my Ipod & driving with the windows down, drinking my favorite kind of tea, peace tea. Those are the moments I am relaxed. & I like to drive as far as I can on metcalf and park on the top of this hill and just breath, or sit on my yoga mat in the morning and just relax before a crazy day. To fully come out of yourself, to forget about all your problems for 3o minutes a day & just achieve inner peace is what keeps me from going nuts in this crazy world. Peace is something (if you actually know me) that is very important to me, hell I have a peace sign tattooed on my body. Being born in the early 60's would've been just dandy with me. If you ask me, which you are since this is my blog, peace can't be achieved through out the world unless you start with yourself. Recently I stumbled upon a list of things to do to start achieving inner peace & while I have been doing them for a few weeks (and it works!) I thought I'd share them with you to make a happier, healthier, and more sane you!

1. Drink mostly water. It is good for your body and helps you relax. If you need caffeine (like I do sometimes) drink tea or eat and apple, avoid coffee and energy drinks they have alot of sugar that affects your mood. 
2. Take 30 minutes a day and sit somewhere alone with no technology. Sip on your water and just sit there. You will be amazed how this seemingly boring idea can relax you.
3. Have a spot that is just for you. Rather is a hill, your room, a playground or a parking lot try to go there at least once a week if not more and watch the sunset or rise, its a great way to start or end a week. 
4. Keep a journal of some sort. Everyone knows it isn't healthy to bottle up feelings, but sometimes it isn't the right time to share them. Instead of holding them in write a blog (cough cough), or a journal, or poems or even songs or pictures. 
5. Have an activity you enjoy doing that causes little stress. I like blogging or riding my bike for instance, or even reading. You could sew or do crafts. Feel your free time with these things instead of watching tv or being on your computer facebook creeping.
6. The less time you spend on social networking sites a day the better. They are fun and great to have, but the longer you spend creeping on random strangers the more of your life you are wasting and you might develop this thing called Facebook Depression. It is a real thing. Look it up. 
7. & Finally eat as many fruits and vegetables and things grown in the ground (take that as you may) as you can. The natural sugars are better for you and make you feel better than any candy bar or chip ever would. It is the old saying of you are what you eat!

Hidden Miracles

Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.

One moment can change your life. No day is ever like the one before, and who you are right now will not be who you are when you wake up in the morning. If today taught me anything it is to live in the moment, but to live responsibly. To treasure every moment because no moment will ever be like that one. Each day brings us a new challenge, and no matter the outcome of the challenge we are forever change. No matter the outcome there are always some what if's. Today I was blessed and cursed at the same time, and no matter how I deal with the challenge that has been presented I know I will always wonder what if, and I hope that the people who surround me will support each decisions I make for the rest of my life and know that no decision was made lightly. Respect those who love you, like you would want the people you love to respect you. And the people you carry with you on the journey you take you must always realize that your choices affect them as much as their choices affect you. My life as it is today is nothing like I would've ever imagined it, even two months ago. And the support that I have received has come from rare and unusual places, and for that I am grateful. I know this seems a bit of a rant, but isn't that what life is? A series of unrelated events that in the end become so related it is almost heartbreaking.